Hang on Little Tomato
As alluded to, the roots of this blog were based on "emotions" as experienced through traveling. Jai is Thai for "heart, mind, spirit" and by adding a word in front you may express emotions, or after for characteristics.
dee jai= "good heart"/ happy, content sao jai= "sad heart"/ sad
With that explained, I find this as a very difficult task. A great weakness of mine is allowing myself to appear vulnerable, to be vulnerable. I am embarrassed to let others see me fail when, as we all do, I do eventually experience a failure. Some may think we have only ourselves to rely on in this world. But I ask, then who reminds you that you have the strength to pick yourself back up and keep moving forward? Wisdom says we have the strength within us, but we also have encouragement from those who love us no matter the mistakes and failures. And that makes me feel even stronger. I am cool AND pretty AND smart! (miss you, Sarah)
You've probably read the story about the missed flight to London and my few days spent trying to catch a flight. I began feeling scattered at this point and that feeling remained through the following 3 weeks. In my daze, long days of traveling, and failure to sleep for more than 1 hour at a time I barely remember my interrogation at the UK Border and Immigration. Yes, it was an interrogation, one with lots of disbelieving "yeah?"s and one which I dug myself into a gigantic hole. They barely let me in, gave me a stamp that would send a red flag to any future border patrol agents and let me through. Paranoia ensued and I spent the whole train ride to Norwich fighting a panic attack. I was too fatigued to think anything through, which is probably why I barely scraped into England. Once I rested I calmed down and began a plan of attack. I still needed to fill out my student VISA, which was nearly impossible for me to complete in South Africa for many reasons of my own fault and failure to think ahead.
I had to go to Paris.
Going to France is as easy as visiting the Shire. Entering the UK is like trying to find the secret passage into Mordor. The U.S. is another realm entirely.
I had spent hours in the previous 4 months working on getting the info I needed for a CAS and financial aid in order to apply for the VISA. My bank account was shut down, I made a special trip to Durban to sign and scan forms, consulted with advisors, etc. With a step forward I met new obstacles. When I received notification of my VISA decision after only 10 days, a part of me already knew the result.
In Paris, with the answer sealed in an envelope, I sat on a park bench and slightly pulled out my application. "REFUSED" was initially the only word I recognized. Breathless I whispered to myself, "I failed." I wasn't really ready for my adventure to end, but I learned a good lesson while in Thailand a couple years ago. Stop fighting for your life to begin.
I should explain that because many probably read that and take it as me saying, "Give up." When I say "fight" I don't relate it synonymously with working hard, or pushing through obstacles. I mean the type of flailing one does whenever you're exhausted on whatever level. You're not making progress. I was not making progress, and I feared that starting school this way would have inhibited my abilities.
As a swimmer, I loved butterfly. But it easily exhausted me and when it did my form slacked. My butt sank, my arms barely lifted out of the water. This lack of technique only made completing the race all the more difficult. I had to discipline myself to remain control over my form, even when I became tired.
This experience was another one of those lessons in learning to discipline myself. The "fighting" I was doing only made me more exhausted. Once you stop, the problems unravel themselves and then you can begin to work through them and your life continues on in its natural flow.
It's definitely not Game Over. I am incredibly anxious to get started and try again. But for a few moments, my head was hanging pretty low. I am embarrassed. I am heart broken. I am vulnerable. I had been re-inspired in Africa, only for another wall to appear. But already I feel my wheels turning again and I can approach my goals with good technique, effort, and passion.
And most importantly, I could not have pulled through relying only on myself. For that, I am humbled with gratitude.
dee jai= "good heart"/ happy, content sao jai= "sad heart"/ sad
With that explained, I find this as a very difficult task. A great weakness of mine is allowing myself to appear vulnerable, to be vulnerable. I am embarrassed to let others see me fail when, as we all do, I do eventually experience a failure. Some may think we have only ourselves to rely on in this world. But I ask, then who reminds you that you have the strength to pick yourself back up and keep moving forward? Wisdom says we have the strength within us, but we also have encouragement from those who love us no matter the mistakes and failures. And that makes me feel even stronger. I am cool AND pretty AND smart! (miss you, Sarah)
You've probably read the story about the missed flight to London and my few days spent trying to catch a flight. I began feeling scattered at this point and that feeling remained through the following 3 weeks. In my daze, long days of traveling, and failure to sleep for more than 1 hour at a time I barely remember my interrogation at the UK Border and Immigration. Yes, it was an interrogation, one with lots of disbelieving "yeah?"s and one which I dug myself into a gigantic hole. They barely let me in, gave me a stamp that would send a red flag to any future border patrol agents and let me through. Paranoia ensued and I spent the whole train ride to Norwich fighting a panic attack. I was too fatigued to think anything through, which is probably why I barely scraped into England. Once I rested I calmed down and began a plan of attack. I still needed to fill out my student VISA, which was nearly impossible for me to complete in South Africa for many reasons of my own fault and failure to think ahead.
I had to go to Paris.
Going to France is as easy as visiting the Shire. Entering the UK is like trying to find the secret passage into Mordor. The U.S. is another realm entirely.
I had spent hours in the previous 4 months working on getting the info I needed for a CAS and financial aid in order to apply for the VISA. My bank account was shut down, I made a special trip to Durban to sign and scan forms, consulted with advisors, etc. With a step forward I met new obstacles. When I received notification of my VISA decision after only 10 days, a part of me already knew the result.
In Paris, with the answer sealed in an envelope, I sat on a park bench and slightly pulled out my application. "REFUSED" was initially the only word I recognized. Breathless I whispered to myself, "I failed." I wasn't really ready for my adventure to end, but I learned a good lesson while in Thailand a couple years ago. Stop fighting for your life to begin.
I should explain that because many probably read that and take it as me saying, "Give up." When I say "fight" I don't relate it synonymously with working hard, or pushing through obstacles. I mean the type of flailing one does whenever you're exhausted on whatever level. You're not making progress. I was not making progress, and I feared that starting school this way would have inhibited my abilities.
As a swimmer, I loved butterfly. But it easily exhausted me and when it did my form slacked. My butt sank, my arms barely lifted out of the water. This lack of technique only made completing the race all the more difficult. I had to discipline myself to remain control over my form, even when I became tired.
This experience was another one of those lessons in learning to discipline myself. The "fighting" I was doing only made me more exhausted. Once you stop, the problems unravel themselves and then you can begin to work through them and your life continues on in its natural flow.
It's definitely not Game Over. I am incredibly anxious to get started and try again. But for a few moments, my head was hanging pretty low. I am embarrassed. I am heart broken. I am vulnerable. I had been re-inspired in Africa, only for another wall to appear. But already I feel my wheels turning again and I can approach my goals with good technique, effort, and passion.
And most importantly, I could not have pulled through relying only on myself. For that, I am humbled with gratitude.
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